


Ipseity of the Thaumaturge and Other Enigmas

by bravelittletoreador



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Beforus, Gen, cronus isn't evil in this, just friends hanging out being dumb, no drama no romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-26
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-08-08 00:13:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16418750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bravelittletoreador/pseuds/bravelittletoreador
Summary: Porrim runs a D&D campaign with the only three nerds she could get to cooperate. Shenanigans are had.My entry for "Before Us" the beforan troll's fanzine which you can find all of here:https://beforuszine.tumblr.com/post/179299061618/zine-link-here-gather-around-folks-because-this





	Ipseity of the Thaumaturge and Other Enigmas

 

_On a green hill overlooking a verdant valley the hero Rufio stood proudly, braced on his mighty lance, gazing down on the rural village below. Its inhabitants toiled in the shadow of the great Mount Meretricious, and at its peak the Dreadfort Duplicity where dwelled the Dark Wizard. The hero turned his steely gaze north to the shadowed jagged shape of the fort, looming over the land like a dragon above a flock of helpless sheep. Though the wizard had long cast his ominous presence from that peak it was only recently that he had made good on the implicit threat of his existence, causing dire and deadly mischief through the land. Most dreadfully, he had demanded the first born sons of every family in the realm, delivered to his doorstep by the last dark day of December. It was this the hero Rufioh intended to stop, at any cost, with the help of the allies that had agreed to meet him here in secret this very day._

_It was at this moment, as though on cue, he heard the sound of hoofbeats galloping towards him and turned to see what horseman approached, only to discover the term horseman more literal than he'd anticipated. Galloping towards him was-_

 

——

 

"A centaur?" Rufioh interrupted the introductory monologue, putting down his character sheet. "Is that… really a playable race, doll? I didn't see it in the handbook you lent me..."

Across the table, Horuss cleared his throat, cheeks tinged cobalt.

"I requested special dispensation from our magnanimous dungeon master to play a homebrew species hoof my own devising," he explained. "None of the default races were, I felt, really neighing to me and I was concerned that I would be unstable to adequately project onto, and thus play, a character that did not more foal-ly encapsulate the esoteric equine nature of my soul-"

"I helped him build his character sheet," Porrim cut in, lounging behind a DM screen at the head of the table, holding a pair of d10's like a bored heiress dangling a particularly disappointing glass of wine. "It should be balanced enough for this campaign."

"Why didn't ya tell us ya were allowin homebrew?" Cronus asked across from her, his feet up on the table and his character sheet barely filled out.

"Because I'm not," Porrim replied, not looking at him.

"If Horuss gets ta play a nonstandard race, I ought ta be able to also!"

"You want to play a centaur?" Porrim asked, finally deigning to look in his direction, which took some of the heat out of his indignation.

"No," he said, and Porrim started to move on, foolishly, only for the inevitable continuation. "I want ta play a human."

"Of course," Porrim muttered, rubbing her temples. Rufioh had a feeling it would be a long night.

"I got projection issues and shit too!" Cronus declared defensively.

"Fine," Porrim said quickly, grabbing his character sheet, scratching out his race, and writing "human" over it. "You're human. Which, mechanically speaking for the purposes of this session, is exactly like being a troll."

Cronus nodded, satisfied.

"I mean, I guess I… would have liked to have known too," Rufioh admitted, shrugging like it didn't matter even though it clearly did.

"Why?" Cronus asked before Porrim could. "You're playing tha most standard character I've ever seen. I figured ya just copied tha example character from tha beginning of tha player's manual."

"What's wrong with being a troll fighter?" Rufioh asked, a little flustered.

"Nothing, it's fine," Porrim said quickly. "If we could continue-"

"It's borin, that's what's wrong," Cronus argued, talking over her. "This is supposed ta be wish fulfillment an shit. Even pony boy's got the spirit of it. You just made yourself! Ya even gave your character your name!"

"Haha, I mean, I don't think so?" Rufioh said, looking away. "I mean… It isn't actually my name. It's 'Rufio,' like, without the h? That's… pretty different!"

"Can we just keep playing, please?" Porrim growled.

"Whatever." Cronus flopped back into his chair and put his feet on the table again. "This is kind of a bust anyway. No offense ta you nerds, but I only agreed ta this geek shit because Porrim promised that Meenah would be here. What happened with that, toots?"

"She would only play if I paid her," Porrim said with a sigh. "And also let her start at level 100."

"What about Latula?" Cronus pushed. "Or Meulin? I bet Meulin woulda shown up in costume! We coulda had kitty titties in a chainmail bra!"

"Meulin wouldn't play without Kurloz," Porrim said, flipping through the monster manual for something to punish Cronus with later. "And Kurloz thinks D&D was designed to tempt the youth away from the messiahs and onto a path of sin and heresy and like, spending their weekends playing make believe instead of getting stoned at church or whatever. Latula and Mituna were interested until they heard you were playing. They bailed last minute."

"Ah, fiddlesticks," Horuss said with a frown. "Pardon my language. I do believe Meulin would hoof enjoyed this greatly, though I understand her choosing to shy away for the sake of her matesprit. And Latula and Mituna, with their extensive gaming knowledge, would likely hoof been incredibly usefoal team members."

"Nah, they were both playing joke characters," Porrim said with a shrug. "Mituna found a loophole that gave him infinite spells slots so long as he spoke solely in profanity. Latula was playing a wizard whose only spells were create water and power word kill."

"That doesn't sound so bad-"

"Named Barak Owobama."

"Oh."

"Kankri would only play if I let him DM, which I wouldn't inflict on my worst enemy," Porrim continued. "And I didn't even bother asking Damara, because she would have just flipped me off and said something disgusting in Eastern Alternian. Despite that, she will probably take not getting invited as a personal offense and try to murder me later. So, fair warning, if she breaks in here while we're playing, you're all honor bound to defend me, per the oath you agreed to when you filled out your character sheets."

"Wait," Rufioh said, flipping his character sheet over and squinting at the fine print he'd just noticed. "I don't remember agreeing to-"

"What about Aranea?" Cronus interrupted. "She'd love this nerd shit."

"I actually asked her first," Porrim said, setting aside her manual. "She agreed, but she's still working on her character's backstory. She's promised to join us when she's finished."

"So she's not playing then?" Cronus assumed.

"Pretty much. It was approaching novel length last time she sent it to me for approval."

Cronus groaned, tipping his seat back onto its hind legs. "In that case I might as well hit tha road. No point in bein here if there ain't any honies ta impress. I got other important irons in more promiscuous fires, if you get what I'm saying."

"Pardon me," Horuss asked. "I know you are disinterested in pursuing a relationship with me because my STRONG physique causes you feelings of inferiority and triggers your humankin body dysphoria, or so Kankri tells me-"

"Wow, yeah, remind me ta thank him for makin my personal struggles tha subject a daily gossip."

"- but are Rufioh and Porrim not attractive enough to meet your aesthetic requirements for a night of cooperative gaming?"

Rufioh's face turned bronze while Porrim laughed so hard she nearly upset her soda.

"I simply think he's doing you a disservice to imply that there are no 'honies' at this table," Horuss insisted.

"I appreciate you trying to defend my honor, doll," Rufioh said, clearing his throat and patting the other troll on the shoulder. "But you're kind of throwing me to the sharks here..."

"Relax, toots," Cronus interrupted, rolling his eyes. "No offense, but you've got way too much emotional baggage for me. Sure you're hot for a rusty, but I've got ta focus on my own issues right now, ya dig?"

"And Porrim?" Horuss pressed.

Cronus glanced at Porrim, who was smiling at him across the table in the way a purrbeast smiles at a fluttercritter it is about to spend several hours tearing into tiny pieces. He swallowed. Rufioh could see a sheen of sweat on his brow.

"Even I've got my standards," Cronus claimed, his attempt at a haughty dismissal of the subject spoiled by the way his voice cracked.

"Cronus doesn't date anyone who could top him," Porrim explained while Cronus sputtered in indignation. "And more importantly, as I require at least three players for this campaign, he will be staying and playing tonight, or Kankri will find out about the time Cronus recorded one of his sermons and remixed it with that video of the screaming goat."

"You wouldn't." Cronus's fins flared in horror.

"It was a very catchy tune. I'm sure he'd appreciate it. I saved the grubtube video actually, I could send it to him right now-"

"Fine!" Cronus said as Porrim took out her palmhusk. "Fine! I'll play. Christ, you know you're worse than Meenah sometimes?"

"Thank you," Porrim replied, putting her phone away. "I appreciate that. Now, where were we? Rufioh's fighter had just met Horrus's centaur ranger..."

——

_Though initially startled by his companion's unusual appearance, Rufio was grateful for whatever help he could get in his quest to defeat the evil wizard. Few had the courage to take on such a powerful foe! But with only the two of them they would require more than courage. Fortunately, the centaur had heard a rumor of a mysterious stranger in town who claimed to know the Dark Wizard's secret. Together, they made their way into the village and shortly found themselves at the tavern, where they found an unusual bard with exotic human features sitting near the fire-_

 

——

"-absolutely covered in bitches," Cronus said with a sweep of his arm, as if to indicate all the bitches draped over him as he sat at the card table in Porrim's basement block.

"Why exactly would you be covered in bitches?" Porrim asked.

"Uh, because I'm hot and an awesome musician, obviously?" Cronus replied.

"Roll for performance."

Cronus grumbled as he spent a minute trying to remember how rolling for performance worked, then threw his dice.

"...charisma modifier, plus my ranks in performance," he muttered scratching his head. "Uh... six! Six is pretty good, right?"

Porrim gave him an almost pitying look.

"There's a few bitches," she said, charitably in Rufioh's opinion. "Hanging around. Looking kind of sorry for you. It's obvious this bard has only recently taken up music and has little skill."

"That's hoofbeast shit!" Cronus declared, standing up and slamming his hands on the table hard enough to upset the player tokens. "I'm a great musician!"

" _You_ are," Porrim replied. "Your character is level one, and you only put one rank into your performance skill."

Cronus flopped back into his chair, cursing under his breath.

"So, haha," Rufioh cut in before they could get any further off track, fixing his token and sliding it into the tavern on Porrim's hand drawn map. "Uh, me and Horuss approach the bard to ask if he's the one who knows how to beat the evil wizard…"

 

——

 

_"Yeah, I know a thing two about the Dark Wizard," the bard admitted with a shrug, strumming his badly tuned lute. "But I don't know why I should tell a couple of no account farm hands like you. You obviously wouldn't stand a chance."_

_"Regardless, we are sworn to try," Rufio insisted, words ringing with confident certainty. "I think if we work together there's nothing we can't defeat!"_

_"Our hope is that you know of a vulnerability substantial enough to allow us victory despite our disadvantage," added the centaur._

_"I don't think you schmucks could pull it off even with all the advantages in the world," the bard replied, shaking his head. "But I'll tell you what. Prove me wrong and I'll give you the secret."_

_"And how are we supposed to do that?" Rufio asked._

_The bard rose slowly to his feet, throwing back his cape with a dramatic flourish._

_"With... a dance off!"_

 

——

 

Rufioh and Horuss both looked at Porrim expectantly while Cronus continued to pose, one foot on the table.

"No, keep going, I want to see where he goes with this," Porrim said, grinning.

 

——

 

_So the mighty heroes engaged in a legendary dance off. A mythic event that covered the tavern in glitter, redefined the art of dance, and went down in history as "Probably Some of the Worst Dancing Anyone in the Tavern Had Ever Seen, Especially Considering None of Them Were Even Drunk."_

_The bard was declared to have won, though by a very narrow margin, and a very lenient definition of "won."_

_"Well, since I beat ya, I clearly can't give ya the secret," the bard said, as Rufio and the centaur hung their heads in defeat. "But ya did prove ya got moxie. I'll give ya another shot. Yo, tavern babe! Didn't ya say ya had a rat problem in this place?"_

_With the tavernkeeper's reluctant permission, they made their way down into the building's basement in search of rats. How the centaur was maneuvered down the stairs was not discussed._

_"This should be really easy, even for losers like you two," the bard said, gesturing to the large, dusty cellar full of dried food and kegs of alcohol. "Just murder a few rats. It shouldn't take any time at all if you're actually heroes capable of beating the Dark Wizard."_

_Rufio stepped forward, trying to steel himself as he searched the darkness for rats, when the centaur cleared his throat._

_"I believe I must abstain from this quest on moral grounds."_

_"What?" the bard asked._

 

——

 

"What?" Cronus repeated.

"As a lawful good character," Horuss explained, "I believe it is against my morality to kill innocent animals."

"I'm… kind of uncomfortable with killing animals too," Rufioh confessed, relieved Horuss had brought it up. "Even if they are fictional."

"How are we supposed to accomplish anything if you guys won't kill shit?" Cronus demanded.

"I'll kill things that deserve it," Rufioh said defensively. "Just, you know, not innocent animals."

"Don't worry," Porrim said. "I was expecting this."

 

——

 

_"It is against my nature to harm any living thing that has not harmed me first," the centaur continued._

_"But rats are nasty!" the bard pushed. "They spread disease and shit!"_

_"They are simply animals, doing what they must to survive."_

_"Maybe we could lure them out?" Rufio suggested. "Or we could go get a bunch of cats and-"_

 

——

 

"Oh, by the way, roll perception and acrobatics," Porrim announced.

The other three trolls exchanged a worried look.

 

——

 

_Distracted by their discussion, Rufio failed to notice that, though most of the basement floor was bare dirt, one section - the section they were standing on - was covered in old wooden boards. Old wooden boards that were beginning to bend and creak under the combined weight of Rufio's armor, the centaur's two-thousand pound draft horse body, and the bard's massive, earth shattering ego._

_Before they could so much as notice, let alone jump out of the way, the boards gave out and the three adventurers plummeted down into the darkness._

_They landed with a splash in what they quickly gathered to be a sewer, judging by the damp, the smell, and the general quantity of slime. They quickly established that climbing back out was not an option. Neither did it seem likely that any amount of yelling would bring anyone to come help them out._

_"We'll just have to walk until we find another exit," Rufio said at last. "It's just the town sewers. It can't be too difficult."_

_"Why did you have to say that?" the bard groaned. "Can I at least ride tha horse guy? This water is ruinin my nice shoes."_

_"Absolutely not," the centaur replied immediately._

_They slogged on through the sewers, the water level fluctuating between ankle deep and waist deep as the tunnels wound, maze-like, below the city streets. It was terrible, filthy conditions, but the hero Rufio was confident and determined. He would have to face worse things than sewage when he fought the Dark Wizard! He strode on through the sludge undeterred, his loyal centaur friend and less loyal bard associate at his side._

_They'd been walking for more than an hour, making Rufio wonder just how big this city could be._

_"How long do these tunnels go on for?" the bard whined. "This is boring and my clothes are ruined!"_

_"It can't possibly be much further," Rufio tried to assure him. "These are clearly functioning sewers. They have to let out somewhere or-"_

 

——

 

"Hey guys," Porrim interrupted. "What order are you walking in?"

"Uh, I'm probably walking next to Horuss," Rufioh said with a shrug, and Horuss nodded.

"I'm behind them," Cronus said quickly.

"Oh good," Porrim replied, smiling.

"Wait, I changed my mind!" Cronus tried to correct. "I'm in front!"

"Suit yourself," Porrim said casually. "By the way, what's your passive perception?"

"Oh no."

 

——

 

_As the bard took his next step, they heard an ominous click. Rufio tackled the bard into the scummy water, just in time to avoid a volley of poison darts shot from a crevice in the wall which would absolutely have hit him had Rufio been a second slower. They emerged from the water, sputtering and gasping, and carefully avoiding the spot where the bard had last stepped._

_"Great," the bard muttered. "Now I'm soaked! This adventure could not get worse."_

 

——

 

"Hey Cronus, roll perception."

"....seven."

"A rat snuck up and bit you. Roll a fort save to avoid catching a hideous sewer rat disease."

"Son of a bitch."

 

——

 

_"Why are there traps in a sewer?" the centaur observed, inspecting the trap mechanism thoughtfully. "That seems very unwise, and potentially hazardous to maintenance personnel."_

_"I don't think they're supposed to be down here," Rufio guessed astutely, pulling a dart out of the far wall where it had sunk a half inch into the stone. "I think these are goblin made. Look at the distinctive fletching!"_

_"Why do you recognize goblin arrows?" the bard asked skeptically._

_"Goblins under the command of the Dark Wizard murdered my family," Rufio said, his gaze distant, snapping the arrow in his fist dramatically._

_"So, you're okay with killin em then?"_

_"What?"_

_"Ya ain't gonna chicken out again like with the rats?"_

_"I- no! I mean, I can't just assume they're the same goblins and kill them on sight. Not all goblins are evil. There are plenty of nice, law abiding goblins."_

_"I doubt the nice, law abiding goblins go around laying traps in sewers," the centaur pointed out. "And if their traps are here, it is likely they are not far behind. We should be prepared to fight."_

_Rufio nodded in agreement and drew his sword. The centaur readied his bow and the bard clutched his mandolin. They proceeded cautiously, on careful watch for traps, evading several more before they saw dim lights and heard the sound of voices in the distance. Sneaking closer, they saw a large cistern, packed with goblins. A hastily erected camp circled a central fire where the goblin warriors gathered, bristling with weapons._

_"It's a war party," Rufio whispered. "Under the banner of the Evil Wizard! They must be readying for a sneak attack on the town!"_

_"We must stop them," the centaur said, gripping his bow._

_"Or we could leave?" the bard suggested. "Go around em? Find the way out of this sewer and inform the town so they can bring an army down here, rather than three first level scrubs?"_

_"They're clearly planning to attack soon," Rufio argued. "If we end up wandering around in these sewers all night we might be too late!"_

_The bard grimaced. "All right. But you guys better defend me. I ain't built for front lines combat!"_

_"I'm not certain we could take them all at once," the centaur observed. "Perhaps if we draw them off..."_

_"Good idea," Rufio agreed. "I'll circle around behind those tents and pick off the three over there. You get those three near the entrance. When that patrol comes by, Cronus, wait until they're out of eyesight of the cistern, then get their attention and make them chase you. You can lead them right into Horuss's arrows."_

_"Like hell," the bard hissed. "I ain't gonna get killed while you two are playin hero!"_

_"You'll be fine," Rufio insisted. "Horuss will be close by if you need back up. And I believe in you. I believe in all of us. Let's go be heroes!"_

_Fifteen or twenty chaotic minutes later, sitting among the carnage and assorted goblin bits, Rufio did not feel particularly heroic._

_"Well," the bard said, shaking goblin off of his fancy hat. "That didn't go exactly according to plan."_

_"I mean, all the goblins are dead and we're still alive," Rufio pointed out. "I'd say that's a pretty optimal outcome!"_

_"It could certainly have been worse," the centaur agreed, retrieving one of his arrows from a goblin's eye socket._

_"That was smart, shooting the leader in the throat before he could give them any orders," Rufio told the centaur, smiling. "And Cronus, good thinking leading them back into those traps!"_

_"Yeah, what can I say? I'm a tactical genius," the bard replied modestly._

_"You appointed yourself most admirably as well," the centaur said with a proud flick of his tail. "A very successful endeavor."_

_"Right," Rufio said, wiping off his sword and sheathing it. "Let's loot this place and get the heck out of here."_

_They scavenged what they could from the camp, looking not just for gold but for clues as to why the Dark Wizard might have been planning an attack on the town. They found a decent amount of gold, a wooden flute, and a cache of weapons._

_"These are all human sized," Rufio observed. "The goblins couldn't have been planning to use them."_

_"They are newly forged as well," the centaur pointed out. "Though of rather shoddy material..."_

_"Shoddy, but cheap to alchemize," the bard said, flipping through a ledger they'd found among the weapons. "And check this out. Bill of sale for Thorvald's Arms and Armors in town."_

_"The goblins were going to sell the weapons?" Rufio asked, suddenly worried he'd murdered a bunch of legitimate entrepreneurs. The bard laughed._

_"Of course not, stupid. The Dark Wizard was going to stage a surprise attack to freak everyone out so they'd go buy weapons to defend themselves. Then they take advantage of the demand to sell these weapons through Thorvald's at ten times what it cost to make them."_

_"Why?" Rufio asked, baffled. The bard shrugged._

_"Money, I imagine."_

_Once they'd gathered everything they could carry they headed out, finding the exit not far beyond the cistern. They informed the city guard of what they'd found, then headed back towards the tavern in hopes of a hot meal and a change of clothes._

_"I'm the bard, I should have it."_

_"It might be magic. I just want to get it checked out before you accidentally curse yourself."_

_"I hope it is cursed and it melts your selfish lips off, loot hoarder."_

_"Well," the centaur interrupted Rufio's argument as the tavern came into view. "I would say we have proven our skills far more thoroughly than we might have by killing a few innocent rats. It is time for your end of the deal, bard."_

_The bard, still annoyed about not getting to keep the flute they'd found in the goblin camp, shrugged, unimpressed._

_"Sure, you did fine," he said. "But that wasn't the quest you were on. You were supposed ta get rid of the rats, and the rats are still there. I don't owe ya shit."_

_"But we saved the town!" Rufio complained. "You've got to tell us the Dark Wizard's secret!"_

_"I don't got to do nothing," the bard sniffed, turning away. "Not until you've dealt with those rats at least."_

_Rufio and the centaur exchanged a glance, both considering whether it was worth it to punch the other man._

 

——

 

Before Rufioh could roll to punch Cronus's character (or better yet just actually punch Cronus) Porrim passed him a small slip of paper. He read it quickly, and grinned.

 

——

 

_"Hey Horuss," Rufio said. "Hand me that flute."_

_"Finally come ta your senses about proper loot distribution?" the bard asked, raising an eyebrow._

_"Nope," Rufio replied. "Just felt like playing a little music."_

_He put the flute to his lips and, despite his inability to play any musical instrument, a haunting tune instantly issued from the humble wooden recorder. A second later, a wave of rats rushed out of the tavern and all the surrounding buildings, running to Rufio's feet. He turned and, gesturing with the flute, sent them all running directly out of town._

_As the last of the rats vanished, he turned back around, hands on his hips._

_"There," he said. "The rats are dealt with. Now, tell us the Dark Wizard's secret."_

_"Fine," the bard grumbled. "I didn't want your crummy rat whistle anyway. Here it is. The secret of the Dark Wizard is...."_

 

——

 

"I don't know," Cronus said. "Porrim never told me."

"What?" Rufioh asked, turning to Porrim. "Well what is it?"

"I think that's a good place to stop for the night," Porrim said, folding up her DM screen. "See you all next week?"

Despite their best arguments, Porrim refused to tell them. She didn't tell them next week either, when the city, in gratitude for their role in stopping the goblin threat, invited them to a fancy masquerade, where they soon found themselves investigating the murder of a duke. She didn't tell them the week after that either, when the corrupt chancellor who'd killed the duke threw them into a mimic and puzzle infested dungeon. By the next week, Rufioh didn't even bother to ask as they escaped the dungeon to find a small village that was nightly besieged by the dead, brought back to life by an artifact the Dark Wizard had planted there to drive down property values. Week after week they met, each time for a new exciting adventure. By the end even Cronus had stopped pretending he didn't want to be there, at least in part because he'd discovered that he could roll to seduce almost anything they encountered, a tactic that never failed to bring groans from everyone else at the table, and which almost always failed horribly. He barely survived the time he crit failed while trying it on a dragon. But Rufioh had sacrificed a wishing token given to him by Gnome Princess to resurrect the bard. Despite everything, he'd grown attached to the character. Cronus, when not in the presence of people he was trying to impress and/or pail, was honestly kind of tolerable.

The hero Rufio, already very confident, grew more confident every day, soon becoming a reliable and respected leader. The centaur earned kingdom wide recognition for his archery skills and was recognized in every town they visited. The bard's charisma grew with every level, earning him the fame and fortune he'd hoped for, though he seemed by the end to be more interested in the lasting friendship he'd built with his party members.

They were level ten the night they arrived at Porrim's to find an out of place black curtain hanging behind her.

"What's with the-"

"Don't ask," Porrim said, cutting Rufioh off and rubbing her eyes. "Let's just get started. Last time we played, you had just finished calming the earth giant at the heart of the Gnoll's ancestral caverns, putting an end to the cataclysmic earthquakes threatening the realm."

"All thanks to Rufioh deciphering that riddle about the crystal clusters on its back," Horuss said, looking at the other troll with pride and affection. Rufioh blushed.

"I mean, I never could have worked it out if Cronus hadn't put it to sleep with that lullaby so I could get a good look at the things…"

"Yeah, that was pretty great of me," Cronus said with a grin, then cleared his throat. "And, ya know, neither of us could have pulled off the strength rolls to remove tha infected crytals, so Horuss helped too."

Horuss beamed and Rufioh patted his hand, laughing.

"Alright," Porrim said, handing Cronus a folded sheet of paper. "As you leave the Gnoll caves, the grateful cheers of the Gnolls still ringing in your ears, the bard pulls you aside-"

"Holy shit, seriously?" Cronus said loudly, reading the note she'd handed him.

"Just start!" Porrim urged him.

——

 

_"So it's been a while since we started traveling together," the bard said. "We've been pulled into one ridiculous adventure after another since we met, and all this time I've never told you what you actually came to me to learn. To be honest, I was avoiding it. I might never have told you, but I'm starting to think you guys really could take the wizard down."_

_"Oh my god," Rufio said._

 

——

 

"Oh my god," Rufioh said, leaning across the table. "Is this it? You're really going to finally tell us the Dark Wizard's secret?"

Cronus nodded, grinning.

 

——

 

_"The secret of the Dark Wizard is..."_

_Rufio held his breath, heart racing. This was it! The culmination of his greatest quest was almost at hand!_

_"...I **am** the Dark Wizard."_

 

——

A moment of silence followed the revelation, broken by a single word.

"Horseshit."

Rufioh sputtered with surprised laughter. Horuss, cheeks tinted blue, cleared his throat.

"Pardon my language," he said. "But that doesn't make a salt lick of sense. There is no conceivable way that a level one bard whoof rolled a critical failure attempting to seduce a hag is the Dark Wizard."

"If you'd let me finish, I'd explain," Cronus said, looking a little sour.

 

——

 

_"I was the Dark Wizard, up until about a half a sweep ago, when I summoned an evil spirit. It was supposed ta serve me. Instead it overpowered me, drained all my magic, and threw me outta my own fort! Now it's up there, pretending ta be me and pulling all of these dumb weird scams. I never scammed anybody. I just liked chillin on my mountain being rad as shit and sometimes showin off my awesome magic for the ladies. Even callin myself the Dark Wizard was mostly about aesthetic. I'm chaotic neutral!"_

_"You should have told us earlier!" Rufio said, stunned._

_"You wouldn't have believed me."_

_"We barley believe you now," Horuss pointed out._

_"Exactly."_

_"So were you just toying with us all this time?" Rufio asked._

_"Not toyin with ya," the bard/Dark Wizard said, shaking his head. "Testin ya! I've been lookin for someone ta help me get my powers and my castle back for half a sweep. But no one was gonna help some crazy scrub claiming ta be the Dark Wizard, not even a crazy scrub as hot as me."_

_Rufio had to admit he had a point. He certainly wouldn't have helped the bard if he'd told the truth._

_"But I really think you two are strong enough ta take the evil spirit down and get me my powers back!" the Dark Wizard said excitedly. "And I can help. I know how ta get into the fort, and where I used ta keep all my rad magic items!"_

_Rufio looked to the centaur, who shrugged. He sighed._

_"Alright," he said, and the Dark Wizard whooped with excitement. "It is my sworn duty to defeat the evil threatening the land, and if all of this has really been the spirit and not you, then I have no choice but to help you destroy it. But!"_

_He pointed a firm and very confident finger at the wizard._

_"If you get your powers back and start doing evil stuff again I will totally come back and kick your butt!"_

_"Noted," the Dark Wizard said with a nod. "Now let's go get my stuff back!"_

_So they gathered their supplies, said their goodbyes, and stormed the Dark Fortress. It was a long, grueling session, fighting hordes of monster and undead, outwitting fiendish puzzles, narrowly escaping deadly traps. But at last they reached the throne room where the Dark Wizard was certain the Evil Spirit would be waiting. Rufio paused for a moment, took a breath, and then threw the door open, to the sound of maniacal, cackling laughter._

 

——

 

Everyone at the table froze as a familiar, highly theatrical laugh filled Porrim's basement. All at once, the black curtain behind the DM was swept aside.

Aranea, in elaborate costume, sat on a chair which she appeared to have personally transformed into an evil throne through liberal and precise application of black paint, glitter, and cut outs of spider webs.

"It is I!" she declared. "The all-powerful dark spirit, The Countess Bellicose, Mistress of the Night, Scald of the Dawn! Terror of-"

"Wait, is this in character or out of character?" Rufioh interrupted.

"In character of course!" Aranea scoffed. "I'm building drama!"

"So you're playing the evil spirit?" Cronus asked.

"Obviously." Aranea gestured at her outfit as though that should have been clear.

"I was going to play the spirit," Porrim said, looking tired. "But Aranea messaged me last night because her 'character concept had evolved' and, well, she'd already decorated that chair and everything. I figured it couldn't hurt."

She looked like she was starting to imagine all the ways it could hurt, now.

Aranea cleared her throat and started again.

 

——

 

_"Mistress of the Night! Scald of the Dawn! Terror of the Deeps-!"_

_"Shut it, harpy!" Cronus interrupted. "You're nothin but a ghost with an overinflated sense of self-importance! Gimme my shit back!"_

_"Never!" the Countess declared. "I've done more with your powers than you ever could! Surely you've noticed how subtly I've destabilized the economy of this entire region? And with the money I make on weapon sales from the war I'm starting, I'll be able to buy this entire valley! Not a mere dark wizard, but a conquering queen! From this valley, I will seize the entire world!"_

_"Not if we can help it!" Rufio declared, drawing his sword._

 

——

 

"Alright, roll for initiative," Porrim said, readying her own dice.

"Wait!" Aranea said, scandalized. "I'm not done!"

"I think you pretty much got your motives across there," Porrim said.

"No, I haven't even scratched the surface of the Countess's rich characterization yet!" Aranea said, reaching for a roughly phone book sized manuscript next to her chair.

 

——

 

_"I was born by the sea ten thousand years ago," the Countess said passionately. "The proud daughter of powerful warrior inhabited by the soul of a spider goddess and her half-tiefling half-aasimar consort, who betrayed and killed her when I was only a child, a betrayal that would only be equaled by what the Dark Wizard would do to me centuries later, after years of wandering with nothing but my mother's magic amulet and a giant wolf. But first, I must explain where my mother acquired the spirit of the spider goddess. You see in her home country it was customary to give the first born child to the gods in an elaborate ritual in which…"_

 

——

 

To their credit, they held out for about five solid minutes of unbroken monologue before Cronus broke.

"I roll to seduce the evil spirit," Cronus declared loudly, raising his dice.

"What?" Aranea said, blinking.

"Go," Porrim said immediately. "I'm giving you advantage based on your shared history."

"Hey-!" Aranea tried to interrupt.

"Can you even roll high enough to beat her save?" Rufioh asked.

"The ioun stone we got from the dragon gives me plus two," Cronus said as he, Rufioh and Horuss huddled over his character sheet. "And the Devil's Ego I enchanted my mandolin with is plus four, plus another four for the Righteous Aura on my hat, plus two for the Mertoran leaf I ate earlier- Porrim, is the Nixie's Grace still active?"

"Hasn't been ten minutes in game yet, so yeah!"

"Plus eight from the Nixie's Grace, on top of the base twenty charisma I have after reading the Tome of Leadership in the Gnoll Caves, whatever I roll will have +20."

" _What?_ " Aranea's voice was rising to a frantic shriek.

"She'd have to make a charisma save, correct?" Horuss asked Porrim. "What's her charisma?"

Porrim grinned.

"Negative One."

"As long as you don't roll a one there's no way she can beat you!" Rufioh realized, excitement making his wings flutter behind him.

"This isn't fair!" Aranea wailed as Cronus threw down his d20.

The table fell dead silent as the die rolled. Time seemed to briefly slow to a crawl.

 

——

 

_Rufio released his sword in surprise as the bard suddenly stepped in front of him, pulling a single rose seemingly from nowhere._

_"Countess, babe," he said, dropping to one knee. "You've misjudged me again! I didn't come here to banish you and take back my castle! I came ta beg you to take me back! I wronged you and I been miserable without you all this time! Stop all this evil shit and come retire to the countryside with me. I love you, bitch! I ain't ever gonna stop loving you, bitch!"_

_The Countess fought it for a moment, then swooned into his arms._

_"Oh, Wizard! I could never resist your beautiful singing voice! Marry me!"_

 

——

 

"I didn't say that!" Aranea shrieked. "My character would never say that!"

She was drowned out by Cronus hooting with delight and running victory laps around the table while playing the song from the end of _The Breakfast Club_ on his palmhusk at max volume. Porrim, Horuss, and Rufioh were laughing uncontrollably, Rufioh leaning against Horuss's shoulder as he shook. On the table before them, the D20 lay, displaying a victorious two.

Aranea sank pouting into her throne as Porrim wiped her eyes.

"Sorry hun," she said. "Don't worry. You can join the actual party for our next campaign."

Aranea perked up a little.

"I'm putting a word count limit on your back story though," Porrim added.

Aranea frowned, then shrugged.

"Fair."

When things calmed down, they cleaned up and said their goodbyes.

"See you guys next week?" Porrim asked.

"Definitely," Rufioh confirmed, glancing at Horuss, who nodded in agreement.

"Awesome," Porrim said. "Make new characters. I have an idea for something more contemporary that I think you guys are going to love."

They waved goodbye, walking away into the memory of a late afternoon, the insects singing in the tall grass. Time was fluid here. They'd find something to do for a little while and by the time they wandered back here it would be 'next week.' The trick was just not to think about the passage of time too much.

As they strolled along, through some human's fond recollection of a summer evening in a tidy little neighborhood, their footsteps quiet on the cracked sidewalk pavement, Horuss noticed Rufioh frowning.

"Is something the matter?"

Rufioh shook his head.

"Not really," he said, shrugging. "I guess… I'm just kind of sad to see our characters go. After spending all these weeks with them, it's weird to just… put them away."

Horuss nodded in understanding.

"They were certainly interesting vessels for certain facets of our personalities. And a very satisfying wish fulfillment fantasy in addressing certain issues of growth and achievement that we are prevented from ever attaining here in the bubbles."

"Right," Rufioh said with a small, sad laugh. "I guess it was pretty nice, to feel like I was being genuinely confident and heroic for a little while, rather than just, you know, smiling and pretending. Although, I guess, really, it's just another kind of pretending..."

Horuss was quiet for a moment and Rufioh wondered if he'd forgotten to listen again, the way he sometimes did. He'd been better about that lately, since Porrim had enforced strict turn orders to make sure everyone's character had a chance to talk.

"...I think, perhaps," Horuss said at last. "That it is important to pretend these kinds of things. Especially when they are out of reach for us in reality. To create out of nothing even a facsimile of the happy ending we wanted - and furthermore to do it together - I think that is something very impressive."

Rufioh's chest felt tight. He caught Horuss's hand on an impulse, and the other troll held it very, very carefully.

"So, I guess it's not like we're putting the characters away," he said, clearing his throat. "It's more like we're giving them their happily ever after."

"I believe they deserve that," Horuss agreed, his voice soft. The dreambubbles shifted around them, going quiet and fuzzy at the edges, darkness gathering like evening settling around them.

"And hey, maybe Porrim will let us bring them back for a sequel eventually!"

"I would like that. Very much."

 

——

 

_And so, the evil spirit and the dark wizard retired to the countryside, for all of perhaps five minutes before remembering how much they despised each other. After a messy divorce, the evil spirit was banished to the astral plane, and took the opportunity to search for the half-aasimar half-tiefling who killed her mother. The wizard started a band and went on tour._

_The hero Rufio, his quest complete, felt at peace for the first time in a sweep. He stood on the same hill overlooking the village and pondered the future. He was unsure what he would do next. But hearing the sound of hooves galloping towards him, he knew that whatever it was, he would not face it alone._

_Together, he and the centaur rode into the sunset, ready to face whatever new adventures awaited them._

 


End file.
